Picture this common scenario: Person #1 is in the middle of sharing something meaningful with Person #2. Suddenly, they notice Person #2 is scrolling through their phone instead of listening.
Can you relate to Person #1 or Person #2 — or maybe both?
Chances are, you’ve been on both sides of phubbing, or “phone snubbing.” Phubbing sends a subtle but powerful message: “My phone is more important and interesting than you.”
In my research on emotionally intelligent digital etiquette, I’ve found that phubbing erodes trust and weakens connections, leaving others feeling lonely, insecure, resentful — and dissatisfied in their relationship with you.
DON’T MISS: The ultimate guide to negotiating a higher salary
Phubbing is associated with a lower sense of social awareness. In public settings, people often resort to phubbing to avoid face-to-face conversations.
At the same time, this behavior has become so automatic and compulsive that many of us don’t realize we’re doing it.
Emotionally intelligent people recognize this blind spot. Instead of letting their phone control their attention, they take the following three steps to stay present.
1. Plan: Set intentions before social interactions
Emotionally intelligent people set clear intentions for when and how they’ll use their phones, especially in social settings. To reduce the temptation to check their emails or feeds, they plan ahead with “if-then” statements to cut down on decision fatigue.
For example:
- “If I’m having a meal with someone, then I’ll put my phone on silent and wait until the meal is over to check it.”
- “If I remember something I need to do on my phone during a work meeting, then I’ll jot it down on a sticky note and handle it after the meeting.”
- “If I absolutely need to check my phone during a conversation, then I’ll first inform the other person and explain what I’m doing.”
Instead of getting overly critical of themselves when they do slip, they employ the same approach to repair relationships: “If I realize my eyes are on my phone instead of the person I’m talking to, then I will put away my phone and say, ‘I’m so sorry about that, you have my full attention.'”
2. Pocket: Keep the phone further away
Merely having your phone within reach – even when it’s turned off – reduces cognitive capacity, studies have shown.
Emotionally intelligent people have a heightened awareness of human tendencies and use all the tools at their disposal to make sure their behavior aligns with their interpersonal goals.
To achieve greater mental freedom and productivity, emotionally intelligent people create physical barriers between themselves and their devices by leaving their phones in their pockets or in a different room.
When self-discipline falters — as it inevitably does, from time to time — these environmental frictions make it harder to mindlessly reach for the phone. This safeguards focus and reduces the risk of derailing meaningful interactions.
3. Pause: Establish phone-free zones
Constant and unpredictable phone notifications keep our brains in a highly reactive and excitable state. It takes an average of 23 minutes to regain focus after checking a phone, research finds. These distractions pull us away from meaningful work and interactions, often without us even realizing it.
Emotional intelligent people understand the importance of managing dopamine-driven impulses. By intentionally pausing their phone use — whether through scheduled breaks or downtime apps — they regain control over their attention and focus.
To eliminate digital distractions during conversations or team sessions, turn off non-essential notifications and switch your phone to “Do not disturb” mode.
Designate “phone-free” zones on the dinner table or in the bedroom, and make pacts with family, friends or colleagues to ensure genuine presence and connection.
By planning your phone usage, setting boundaries, and managing notifications, you can break the habit of phubbing and foster deeper, more meaningful connections. Your phone will always be there — but the moment in front of you won’t be.
Dr. Jenny Woo is a Harvard-trained educator, EQ researcher, and founder/CEO of Mind Brain Emotion. She created a series of educational card games and mental health tools to help kids and adults develop human skills in the age of AI. Her award-winning card games, the 52 Essential Relationship Skills, 52 Essential Critical Thinking, and 52 Essential Conversations are used in 50+ countries. Follow her on LinkedIn, YouTube, and Instagram.
Want to earn more money at work? Take CNBC’s new online course How to Negotiate a Higher Salary. Expert instructors will teach you the skills you need to get a bigger paycheck, including how to prepare and build your confidence, what to do and say, and how to craft a counteroffer. Sign up today and use coupon code EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of 50% off through Nov. 26, 2024.
